HHRUFC Byron Bay Tour Report 2007

Tourists: • Schapelle (Chris Groves)(Tour Director) • Ralf Schumacher (James Wookey) • Doc (Andy Ball) • Minnie Me (Jim Bone) (V) • Harris (Gareth Bourke) • Kate Moss (Rich Colley) • Mr Movies (Chris Collins) • Crouching Tiger (Jesse Croucher) (V) • Gay Pride (Ben Davis) • Cameo (Gay Pride’s cane toad licking mate Starky)(V) • Snoop Doddy Dodds (Tim Dodds) • Merkin (Gak) (V) • Stimpy (Renny Isles) • Lisa McClune (Adam Lovriha) (V) • Sylvia (Max Marraffa) • Chippy (Ben Smith) • Rosie (Mark Thornton) • Panda (Oz) (V) • Cumshot (Cam Vanorishot) • Sunstroke (Chris Burnside) (V) • Howard (Gak’s mate – hairy bloke) (V)

The majority of the Hunters Hill Convicts & Hunters Hill Fugitives arrived at Sydney Airport at 9am for a 9:50am flight, & yet still managed to have half the tour group paged at least three times to board the plane – with the knowledge learnt from last year that there’d be no alcohol served on the plane the boys filled up before departure. Points to Snoop Doddy Dodds & Schapelle for the first beers on tour.

After a short flight to Ballina Harris complained loudly at the airport “Where’s me fokin bag?!?” to find it at his feet – first fine of the tour. A bus ride into Byron, say the Bowlo as the first point of call where Sylvia was fined for working on tour – he still has not faced court over this charge. Schapelle remained Sergeant at Arms, Doc elected as Judge, Ralf elected as Defence, & Rosie elected as Prosecutor.

Once the keys to our house were obtained, & the essential purchased; beer, toilet paper, beer, bread for “Steaks on a plane”, beer, Garlic Bread (Kate Moss....), beer, & beer... the Convicts & the Fugitives moved into what has to be the most flash house yet to be inhabited by a HHRUFC touring party – the neighbours loved us....seriously...

We caught up with Sunstroke, Chippy, Minnie Me & Cumshot who had all driven to Byron (Cumshot reflecting on the house: “Whose house did you break into, & wheres ours?”).

Friday night was a learning experience for tourists, & locals alike, with Rosie sharing his views to any local who’d listen, Gak & Howard getting to know the local wildlife (but then not converting), Ralf had his grass cut, & Schapelle powering up on daiquiris & margaritas (“They’ve got fruit in them – its to help me for tomorrow...”)

Friday night saw a number of tourists ejected from the Beaches Hotel (though mainly Merkin...), & Ralf’s record of 1hr 32 still stands.

Saturday saw us catch up with Lisa McClune, & face the NZ Bulldawgz, the eventual runners-up in the competition (obviously the immense challenge of the Convicts rattled them, & made them unable to win the comp). Within our six losses on Saturday was evidence of vast improvement from the year before, with a narrow loss to Gunedah 19‐10. The rolling maul tactic necessary due to having only 4 backs on tour was a great success.

Saturday night was a slightly more subdued affair, with several tourists who shall for the moment remain nameless, failing to venture from the house. Mr Movies demonstrated how he could sleep anywhere, contorting his body over a couch, & Minnie Me was in trouble for certain family members accompanying him to the pub...

Sunday saw two more narrow losses, a trip to the beach for some, the viewing of the league test (much to Chippy’s dismay...), the collection of our tournament “encouragement prize” (a six pack),then Kangaroo Court. Snoop Doddy Dodds & Panda demonstrated their fondness for Chum, & Sunstroke, Lisa McClune, Sylvia, Cameo, Gay Pride & Kate Moss were noticeably absent defendants.

Sunday night saw Merkin christened Zoidberg (“Whoooooop, whoop whoop whoop whoop”), a party at the Casa del Hillies after the pubs closed, & our power & gas turned off by one of our loving neighbours.

Monday morning was a flurry of activity, cleaning & re-building the house. Stimpy & Roses believed one loaf of bread was enough to feed 15 hungry & hungover tourists...

Miracles of the tour included only 4 glasses & a lamp being broken in the house, Chippy not actually being ejected from a pub (yes, I want to know who hes bribing to), Snoop Doddy Dodds was not arrested, Panda viewed vegetarian Pizza as the “healthy alternative”, & we nearly won a game. Thanks for the tour, see you next year (with the house in someone else’s name).

Schapelle